It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Randomize
