pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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