Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
This is classic penis vs brain.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Randomize