Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
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