And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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