saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Randomize
