for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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