I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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