If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
