i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Randomize
