How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
