I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
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