never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
