turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
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