Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
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