I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Randomize