Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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