I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize