dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Randomize
