NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
