What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
