my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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