I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
