I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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