I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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