when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
