I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Randomize
