My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
