it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I want to fling myself into the sun
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
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