dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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