This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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