rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
