that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Randomize
