Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
