Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
