Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
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