About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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