Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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