Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
Please, let me fuck your mom
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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