The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
It's never too late to be topless.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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