My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
