i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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