Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize