I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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