fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
