guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
