This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
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