Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
