just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
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