you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
