If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
