I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Damn victory sex feels great
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize