and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
Your face is a jimmy john
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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