I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
