You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
