i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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