Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
