Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
