We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
